2006, Year of The Nick's

It's December 11th, and I'm at the start of my very last week of my first semester in Grad school. It has been a whirlwind of a semester, filled with tears, frustration, faith, laughter, plenty of love, kindness, tolerance, and perseverance.

I am looking forward to going back to Phoenix for Christmas to see family. I look forward to having a "real job" to feel occupationally equal with my brothers. I look forward to the contrast my surroundings will offer me as I head back to where I once was to truly understand how far I've come. I know it's a bit existential, but I truly look forward to enjoying my scholastic break with April and the rest of my family.

Nearly a year ago, I made a toast with two other like-named friends: Here's to 2006, the year of the Nicks. It was meant as a toast to celebrate events not yet unveiled; to foster relationships recently blossomed. I believe that the Nick's have met the expectation of that coming year. Now, as we stare down the barrel of 2007, ready to be shot into possibility, we've rotated scenarios. Before, my personal life was just taking off, Z was about to start embark upon a new city to find a job unknown that would open many doors for him, and Marcotte was finishing up undergrad, ready for life's possibilities; now, I have just started the job and school with possibilities unknown, Z is looking at grad school, and Marcotte is preparing his personal life for launch. To each of them I say simply, "enjoy the ride". Don't forget how far you've come when you're feeling down, and don't forget to look forward to avoid complacency.

I've Arrived At the First Stop...

Well, It has come; I have found a "real" job. The Social Security Administration has picked me up to be the assistant to one of the call center technicians who is blind. I am this person's eyes for a fair annual salery and full Federal Benefits. Yep, I'm a Fed. Thank you to all of those who have helped me along the way.

I start work November 13th.

Update and Thank You

It's been two months since I've left the safty of home, and I'm just fine. It's odd: I've often been told how everything would be ok. I suppose I knew it deep down, but in the face of extreme adversity, emotional trial, and a stress load that would put Mt. Whitney to shame, you don't share that frame of mind at the time. So where am I at now?

I've recieved (finally) my Letter of Eligablity from the State of Florida, and now I can legitimately look for teaching jobs. In the meantime, I've been working retail--hopefully this will be my last stint in working within this copacity. To fight the slight depression that comes on everytime I go in for work, I say a prayer of thanksgiving as it is because of this job, I don't feel the stress I used to when I don't hear back from an interviewer, etc.

On the school front, I got an A on my first paper, so life in grad school is off to a good start. I am ahead on my writing, and I hope to stay ahead of the game. One of my classes does not have a final exam, so the sooner I get the term paper done, the sooner my workload is finished. So needless to say, that's great insentive to continue pluggin' away. Also, I'm hoping I can get hooked up with an internship with AARP via April's department. I know it sounds a little out of my field, but they do have an International Affairs dept. So, hopefully I can come up with a summer internship there. I'll keep y'all posted on that front. All in all, grad school is going well.

In two weeks, mom and dad arrive for their visit. I can't wait. I've missed them both so much and I can't wait to treat them to a "thank you" for all of their emotional, moral, and financial support. God, faith, and April aside, they are the reason I am still here. Their strength of character has shown so brightly if you consider that they were dealing with phone calls from me on a daily basis AND dealing with my Grandmother's caregiving, I can't imagine their stress threshold. Mom and Dad, you're my heros--can't wait to see you in two weeks! You guys deserve this vacation.

In the meantime, life with April has been wonderful. Now that I have an income of some sort, I can live with myself without thinking of financial worries. April is now able to focus on her issues rather than mine, which in themselves are more than her share! I can now focus on school, work (and looking for teaching jobs), and being the support mechanisim I know I can be to April. Sure, we have some issues pop up here or there due to fatigue or impatience, but who doesn't? This weekend, we're going to a free symphony concert that's outdoors. It was supposed to be a girl's night out with her friends, but by the time she found that part of it out, she had already invited me. I'm trying to think of anything else I could do so she could enjoy her time with the ladies. Is it selfish if I really don't want to? I've suggested to her that I could get lost for a little while so she could have some alone time with the ladies--I definitely don't mind that. She needs that time, and it doesn't come up often as the few friends she has are quite busy. Hmm... This does take place tomorrow evening, so I'd better think quick on how I can have my cake and eat it too.

Seeing as that this is my only major concern right now, that's a pretty good gauge as to my life right now. It's much better than it was. One thing is for certain: the past two months have been quite an afformation of my faith. Despite the pain and anquish it involved, I'm very thankful for it. It also allowed for April's faith and commitment to me to be tested. I didn't know it at the time, but in hindsight, it did give me some empirical evidence how committed she is to me, and I'm thankful for that.

Thanks God, for everthing, for everyone.

A Quote to Live By...

I watched a movie tonight that featured a quote as its thematic statement. It read:


Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciouslygive other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear,our presence automatically liberates others.

A Return to Love - Marianne Williamson


Just a reminder for all of the brilliant people in my life.

Fighting for April

Who knew that the biggest emotional and mentle battle of my life to date would be for the sake of my relationship--not in the way you think, either.

I have been here a week and a half, and have yet to find work. My accounts are dwindling and my faith is at breaking point. There have been ups and downs along the way (one of which was a job interview that would be ideal and I have yet to hear back from them, a day late on their promissed window.), and April, despite how hard this has been on her, has been an amazing support mechanism. I have broken down into tears of frustration, anxiety and depression more times than I can count now, averaging every other day, and I am fighting to keep going.

I don't know what my issue is: why can't I just get up, get some money-maker, pee-on job for the time being until I find something? I attribute it to my desire to never work in retail again, believeing I'm above it. But, here I am again, at a finanacial, mental and emotional low that isn't above any job. There's a reason why greak tragedies always have the hubris be pride; and now I risk writing one of my own.

So how is this a fight for my relationship? I moved here for it. I found myself today thinking about my alternate life in Seattle; I knew I wouldn't be happy there--I wouldn't have April. I knew, the moment I made the decision to move here, that she couldn't handle the long-distance much longer; and to be honest, neither could I. So I moved here, preaching to her of the ease of finding a job once I was in town. It's been almost two weeks and no job. I find myself having to FIGHT to make sure I have either a positive attitude, or a non-shitty one at the least. I want her to be proud of me, not ashamed. I want to provide nothing but the best for her.

And so, I find myself fighting to stay in motion; I find myself fighting the anchor of depression that would be detrimental to any chance of my finding work if I yield to it. I am tired, but I must keep going.

Shake it off Temple, you can do it. You can do anything through God who stengthens you.

Life's Little Ironies

This morning I’ve left to start a life in Tampa. It’s an odd feeling. This is a day I thought would always be in the distance. Like a child looking toward Christmas, I looked at this day as one of great joy, excitement, and anticipation. And, while it has held all those things for me, it has also held sorrow, parting, tearful good-byes. Yes, good-byes are never easy. They never have been for me. And yet, of all my brothers, I have been the one that has had to do it the most often. Leave my “home” (wherever that be) and set roots only to uproot in 6 months and move elsewhere. It’s been a cyclical life of hello and good-byes. For the first time in three years, I will be settling somewhere; not just anywhere—where my love is.

A couple nights ago, I noticed a one of life’s little coincidental symbols. When I moved to Phoenix, the foot of the bed (thus my feet) was pointed do-North—towards Seattle. As my life of this past year has changed in getting to know April, falling in love, and making the decision to move to be close to her and pursue my degree, my bedroom (rearranged by mom while I was away on a visit to Tampa) had ironically, and unintentionally, changed in accordance with my plans; the foot of my bed was no longer pointed towards Seattle, but Tampa Bay. Ah, life’s little ironies.

Cheers all.

Smile... Indeed

Yesterday, via connections through April, I found two jobs: one as a media analyst and another as a socail worker of sorts. The latter of the two is pretty much a gauranteed position, provided I am still interested after my Q&A tomorrow with one of the Supervisors (this is a guy who is the fiance of April's new step-sister). It's only 20 min. from my new apartment and I would be paid a likely base salary of $32,000 or so per year. Even if I decide not to take this position for whatever extreme reason, I still have a nice opportunity to work for my dad's company as a research assistant. I would work from home and could make roughly $1,000 per month part time--so this serves as an ideal plan B.

Also, in the same day, I applied and will likely get a spot in an apartment (privitely owned student housing) with three other guys. The rent includes all utilities, cable, and internet for a fun $411 per month. Provided I enjoy my time there and I take the forementioned job, I could definitely enjoy some savings for once in my life. Thank God!

My previous entry talked about attitude and faith. Today, I am seeing that faith begin to bare fruit. It's just as I said to April on the phone last week before all of this transpired: "Sweetie, my experience with God has been that you get what you pray for (within reason), but you don't get it HOW you would like; only He can see when the perfect timing is. Everything will be fine." Perfect timing indeed: I heard about these jobs the day after my last day at Polo, and just two hours after I put down my application fee to an apartment I thought I may be paying for in loans. Smile?... Indeed

Smile...

I just got off the phone with my girlfriend; I wish so much I could provide for her. She is so amazing, so deserving that I wish I could buy her the world to travel across for the rest of our lives. It is in this time of need I feel so unworthy of such an amazing individual in my life.

Though I am still unemployed, I will still charge on to find work that will both keep me financially afloat as well as allow me to save for our future. So far, nothing has come up; and though I find myself getting discouraged, I must keep the faith that God has something waiting for me in the wings. I still have two weeks before I head over--plenty of time right?!? He made the planet and everything on it in seven days, he can surely find me a job given twice the time! I just have to make sure I keep meeting Him halfway and continue to have faith.

The funny, and at times unfair, part about that is I have to keep pluckin' along, meeting Him halfway until I find what he has set aside; I don't even know when this is supposed to be over. This is an endurance race where the finishline is unseen--and that makes it tough. (It's at this point that I often find myself reminding.... uh... myself of a particular bible verse.)

It is in these moments of discouragement that I think of my Grandmother's words when she broke two ribs 7 months ago (mind you, she's 84), and had nothing but a smile on her face despite the intense pain. I mentioned and complimented how she was taking it so well. "Well, there's no other way to be. I don't have much of a choice in the matter," she said with a half-cocked smile and a chuckle.

Ah, the lessons we learn about life from those more experienced and wise. "Lemons in to lemonaid", "attitude is everything", "God closing doors and opening windows"--whatever your chosen cliche to band-aid your emotions at the time, they all carry the same message: Wherever you find yourself in life (whether you found that situation or that situation found you), smile; there's really no other choice.

:)

Growth

Well, it's funny how you have this amazing post written out and some computer/software glitch does you the favor of erasing it, and insodoing, you find yourself evermore blunt and concise. Thanks, Microsoft.

Well, basically I talked about how this change in blogs was an appropriate change to represent my current situation. I am moving... no, not to Seattle as I had once thought a year ago, but to be with a woman (pictured right) who is so amazing, so inteligant, beautiful, so intoxicating, she should come with a warning label. I have totally fallin' in love with her, and am now aligning my future with hers.

It's amazing how, when thinking about my life just a year ago when just starting Polo, I react in amazment in how long that was ago. I feel like I have grown so much in this past year; and though growing pains do occur, I am so thankful for this time at home and the new heights for which I can observe the world.