Who knew that the biggest emotional and mentle battle of my life to date would be for the sake of my relationship--not in the way you think, either.
I have been here a week and a half, and have yet to find work. My accounts are dwindling and my faith is at breaking point. There have been ups and downs along the way (one of which was a job interview that would be ideal and I have yet to hear back from them, a day late on their promissed window.), and April, despite how hard this has been on her, has been an amazing support mechanism. I have broken down into tears of frustration, anxiety and depression more times than I can count now, averaging every other day, and I am fighting to keep going.
I don't know what my issue is: why can't I just get up, get some money-maker, pee-on job for the time being until I find something? I attribute it to my desire to never work in retail again, believeing I'm above it. But, here I am again, at a finanacial, mental and emotional low that isn't above any job. There's a reason why greak tragedies always have the hubris be pride; and now I risk writing one of my own.
So how is this a fight for my relationship? I moved here for it. I found myself today thinking about my alternate life in Seattle; I knew I wouldn't be happy there--I wouldn't have April. I knew, the moment I made the decision to move here, that she couldn't handle the long-distance much longer; and to be honest, neither could I. So I moved here, preaching to her of the ease of finding a job once I was in town. It's been almost two weeks and no job. I find myself having to FIGHT to make sure I have either a positive attitude, or a non-shitty one at the least. I want her to be proud of me, not ashamed. I want to provide nothing but the best for her.
And so, I find myself fighting to stay in motion; I find myself fighting the anchor of depression that would be detrimental to any chance of my finding work if I yield to it. I am tired, but I must keep going.
Shake it off Temple, you can do it. You can do anything through God who stengthens you.
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I see that the situation is stradling that pride swallowing moment of having to take another retail job. But April, to my knowledge, hasn't said I told you so about finding a job once you are there, and has continued to support you in your search for something worthwhile. In this I believe that even if the moment were to come to get a 'temp' job in retail or wherever, that she wouldn't think any less of you for it. It takes a really strong person to suck it up and take something that others would find above them and sleep on the streets instead of take. This can only make you stronger. In the meantime, if this sinario were to come to pass, use it to bide your time and find that real job you yern for. Try not to think of that lowly crap job as that crap job, but as a tool to bide your time as you make your search. It's all about how you percieve things. I am certain that April will be behind you 100%.
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