Control and Insecurity: A Theory

After hearing some exploits from friends and family in the past about people they describe as "controlling", it made me think about what the cause of this controlling behavior might be. My answer is that I believe that there is a direct relationship between a person wishing to exhibit control over some aspect in their life, and their insecurity in that same aspect of life.

For example, is someone you know controlling as far as the household finances? It very well maybe that they feel the need to exhibit this control because of an insecurity of receiving a windfall of financial hardship if they don't.

Let's take another example. A wife feels insecure about her looks, so she exhibits a desire to have control over the natural progression of her beauty as she ages, and receives plastic surgery. Meanwhile, her husband feels insecure about his masculinity and sees his wife with a surgically enhanced looks and his insecurity becomes exacerbated. Suddenly, he becomes (more) controlling in regards to where his wife goes unattended because he himself is insecure of losing her to someone younger and more masculine.

There are plenty of other scenarios I could potentially come up with, but I think the relationship between insecurity and the exhibition of control is clear. If it is true, I think it does offer a little more understanding about those who exhibit controlling behavior over us, and perhaps enable us to sympathize rather than patronize.

Any thoughts?

Release and Surprise

I have found that the sooner we release our expectations we have of others, the sooner we can offer them the opportunity to surprise us. The sooner we extinguish these expectations and accept those for who they are, the sooner, I believe, we can accept people for who they are, rather than expect them to act the way we would have them act, or expect them to react a prescribed way to a particular situation. I believe it is only then, that we rid ourselves of our own subjectivity, and see people for who they are--the good as well as the bad--rather than who we want them to be.

I have found this true with the relationship with my brothers. My first Christmas back from moving to Florida, I did not get a "warm reception" they way I had envisioned it. I departed Phoenix upset and rebellious toward them. Then my wife said something in her wonderful wisdom: "Nick, you're just pissed because they're not acting the way you want them to." And there's the light bulb. It was then and there I realized I needed to let go of the expectations I had of their reactions toward me, to let them be who they are and accept that, and realize they are not going to react the same way towards a social or a family issue as I would approach these same subjects. The more I expect them to act the way I would, the sooner I am setting myself up for disappointment.

The next rendezvous, my grandmother's memorial, I instituted this new logic, and I found that I was much more comfortable around them, not constantly wishing they would react to my comments or existence in the room as they would another brother. It was when I let go of these disappointments founded on expectation, that I discovered these very disappointments distracted me from the good in my relationship with them.

I can't change the people in my life; but I can change my expectations of them.

Yes You Can

I heard on NPR during the primary an interview from an editor of Ebony Magazine regarding Obama's candidacy for President. He spoke of how part of black culture found refuge in the idea that they cannot get ahead because of oppression from "The Man". This concept, he explained, of being "beaten down" by a white man in a position of power was, for so long, at the core of African-American culture. He continued by saying that having a black man in the highest political office in America could potentially threaten this portion of their identity.

As I and plenty of my friends join the African-American triumph in getting a competent man in office of African-American origin, I suddenly think of something that SOME African-Americans, who use racism as a scapegoat as to why they cannot succeed, may not appreciate: the next time they cross my path and say "I can't get ahead because I'm black," I will simply respond "Yes You can."